i’ve sat down a couple of different times now over the last few days but i can’t get past more than a few sentences before my mind wanders off and the tears come rushing back. if you haven’t been able to tell from the flurry of social media posts the last week, my entire world was flipped upside down recently. the overwhelming support i’ve gotten, has really allowed me to adapt to this new reality-slowly, but its working….i feel like this was a post that really deserved the time and attention to sit and think about all that’s happened recently. i don’t really know how to start, or where to start other than from the moment my life shifted

those who know me best, or even those who don’t-they know-the bond, the special connection that Stella and i shared, was significant. she was THE anchor in my life for 7+ years, i just didn’t know it at the time. in the early summer of 2015, things were a little unstable and i had recently gotten out of a rocky relationship just 3 months prior. looking for direction, a much more immature version of myself found myself with a friend at a breeder who he had gone to see. literally out of the pool, bathing suit still wet and i’m standing there and the breeder was trying to sell me Stellas brother, who had ZERO interest in me. keep in mind, at that time I was “just going for a ride”, with zero intent to find what found me- my purpose.

as I'm standing watching the interaction of all the other pups, i look up and notice just the sweetest little girl, sitting patiently, just looking at me. just as we locked eyes, she bolted directly at me like Stella naturally did, and was in my arms within seconds. yeah i melted, but was not prepared for this. again, out of the pool with no phone or wallet or anything much more than a promise that i’d be back tomorrow. we left that day, and i had a nauseating feeling in my stomach and overnight i woke up with a sense of panic. i remember going back to the breeder with the same friend early the next day to go look for my girl, but what i was told she had been taken to a puppy store because she was “being too difficult to raise”, or “didn’t seem interested in being there”, so he “got rid of the problem”. after about 10 minutes of trying to figure out exactly WHERE she was after i had been there less than 24 hours prior, i found her location..about an hour passed by and i remember going to this remote store in a not so perfect part town…when i got there i immediately spotted her. she looked confused-being picked up and played with prodded, she wasn’t having it. without a thought, i went over to the couple who was “handling” her, and scooped her out of their hands and basically said, “nope, she’s coming with me”. i grabbed her and within about 20 mins she was in the car with me heading home.

i remember sitting in the car, her asleep in my lap as we sat in the passenger seat on the ride home….she was in my arms, and in less than 10 minutes she was sleeping deeply, snoring away. i was in love, and she was finally safe. i didn’t realize it at the time, but moving forward from that point was the biggest blessing i could have asked for. we found each other that day, and the rest truly is history.

once reality set in after a few hours of playing and showing her off to everyone, we became inseparable. she was with me everywhere, and the anxiety of being a new dog parent set in- at this point she still didn’t even have a name yet! (other than “mine” :) from that point forward, i turned into “dog dad mode”. after a few trial names, stella finally became permanent-she was chasing around an empty Stella bottle near the recycling bin the week she came home, and it just suited her, but she was NOT named after the dog from modern family, who looks similar)

Stella became an obvious fixture in my life, and everything changed for the better, i was just in over my head. completely impulsive decision to come home with her when i did but when the dominoes started to fall, it was clear it was the best decision….the easiest decision, id ever have to make in my life. little did i know id be making the hardest decision in my life to date, just 7 or so short years later. having her instantly become such a massive part of my life, was no accident.

in fact, the very next day after she came home, i was scheduled to work a 12 hour day. yes, my impulsive decision with really no thought given to how i was going to logistically fit this w e e k s old puppy into my life while working a full-time job, has caught up to me on day 1. it all worked out and everyone in my small circle contributed in the early days. each day became a cycle of triumphs and challenges and with that came many lessons. the same day i was at work all day, i came home midday to check on her, go for a walk, etc,. i walk in to her escaped from the cage and sprawled out in the “clean” laundry pile I had just taken out of the dryer. the look on her face was priceless and of course i laughed because i knew it was a sign of what’s to come. in a matter of weeks she got out and wedged herself between a pole and a fence and shimmied her way up and over the fence to go meet my neighbors out back(who also took care of her from time to time), got out again and made her way two doors down where the vet (conveniently) was-and later on she'd learn to open up the car window, climb out and follow me into stores (yes, the car is always left running with her in it, never more than 5 minutes alone in the car).

she was an escape artist, and apparently a swimmer :) when she came home and she had her first visit to the vet i was told because of her breed and body structure she’d be very unlikely to survive falling in our pool if that were to happen and no one was around. i was careful early on, but once she saw the fun we had after she got a bit older, there was no stopping her.

Stella having a blast, but more importantly showing off in the pool

stella quickly adapted to the pool. one night i was laying on the couch and the door was open so she could run around out back with sammy, the other dog in the house. i heard a splash and just thought there’s no way she’d do that, right?- WRONG! i went out back to her splashing around happy as can be in the pool. she uses the stairs and everything, but then she starts pacing quickly around the pool, staring at something swimming, or floating. it was the tree frogs! this was not her first time as i’d find out later-one day i found Stellas little collection of tree frog bodies, around the corner of the house. she was SO proud. but that was her personality. don’t tell her she can’t do something, because Stella was actually a pretty decent swimmer as it turns out.

…….the stories really do go on. i’m sure i’ll revisit a lot of them as time goes on. the underlying theme throughout this entire process is that Stella’s impact in my life was far more important than I ever could imagine. to say my life has changed would be an understatement, but its true. i’ve lost family members and friends just like anyone else has, and i don’t mean to downplay any of those experiences, but nothing could prepare me for the sort of grief i’d experience when i was presented with Stella having to face chronic kidney disease, knowing that our time together was rapidly coming to an end.

her final weeks and days were filled with as much comfort and joy that she could handle. to be honest, she was pretty was to please as long as we were together. endless car rides, dropped ice cubes from the freezer, tirelessly defending her ground and food bowl from sammy, and obviously naps. the naps became longer, the walks were shorter, but most importantly it forced me to slow everything down and enjoy what time i did have with her.

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as i was trying to finish this. i was interrupted again by one final call from the vet. “Stella is ready to come home”. i knew they’d be calling at some point, i knew the reason they’d be calling, but nothing could prepare me for the reality of it all. all the emotions came rushing back, but in a way it felt good. knowing that she’s resting comfortably at home now does help. a lot, actually.

it’s been just over a week now, which doesn’t seem possible. the days get a little bit easier each day, but that doesn’t mean i don’t think of her. its hard not to, she’s been a major part of my life, in more ways than one - coming home to that emptiness of her not being there will forever be something to get used to though. i know she’s still with me, and now its her turn to watch over me.

rest peacefully, stella. until i see you again.